Monday, May 19, 2008

Oops, I pooped my pants

I may have mentioned before that I am on a diet. A six week, unforgiving, strictly healthy diet. A diet I am actually dedicated to as I know it has worked before and thus will work for me. If nothing else, it forces me to eat better and more often. I'm not limiting calories by any means. I'm just changing the way I intake them. Before, one day I was eating Cheerios and a handful of jujubes. The next day, I was eating three take out meals. Now, I am eating regular meals and regular intervals of things that actually provide nutrients. I have noticed some changes although not on the scale.

The biggest change has to do with my intestines. You may want to stop reading here. I'm going to ruin the mystery.

Since I normally have the worst eating habits a human has ever had, I tend to be a bit gassy. "A bit" meaning that sometimes I clear all the dogs out of the room causing them to run in fear with a look on their face like "OMG WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE." I figure I learned from the masters. Both my brother and my Dad can do the same. Since starting the DIET FROM HELL, I have noticed a great relief (mostly for those around me).

I have noticed one other thing in relation to my intestines. Now, when I have to "go" I have to GO RIGHT THE FREAKING HECK NOW. Let me provide an illustration.

On Sunday, I worked until 5am. I woke at 3pm and figured I should hit the grocery store before it closed so I could actually eat that night. I got up, had my protein shake and scrambled eggs, and went to Sobey's. I had a few items on the list - most fruit and vegetables, eggs and meat. It was itemized and simple. I was prepared.

Halfway through accumulating the items on the list, I had a rumbly in my tummy. "Oh no," I thought, "I have got to go to the washroom". However, there are no public rest rooms in grocery stores, so I soldiered on. I picked up a few more items and the urgency worsened. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. The extra "squeeze your thumbs and pray" I was trying wasn't seeming to work. My stomach growls of protest were growing louder. I was starting to sweat. And panic.

I hurried as fast as I could waddle to the checkout line. The woman in front of me was painstakingly slow. The cashier was occupied with his two buddies who were bagging groceries and everyone seemed to be moving in slow motion. I threw my items on the counter (including the eggs) and perched on the bar separating one till from the other. I waited.

Beads of sweat were starting to form on my forehead. The room was starting to spin. I knew I could not hold on much longer. I swiped my debit card from my perch and waited until the entire transaction had processed before moving. Cheeks firmly clenched, I grabbed my cart and violently swung out in front of people trying for the door. I flew to my car, got my groceries inside and pushed my cart haphazardly towards the cart corral. I sat down and breathed a sigh of relief. And realized I could not possibly make it home.

Now that I was sitting, I realized I could not hold out any longer. I had moments, not minutes before I lost all control. The turmoil of my belly was threatening to make itself public. The sweat was now rolling down my face. I had to find a public washroom. I was two blocks from a Tim Horton's. I threw the car into gear and drove like a mad woman. I squealed the tires pulling into the parking lot and burst from the car. I walked into the coffee shop behind a group travelling across country. A woman in her early twenties was ahead of me, strolling calmly towards the bathroom. I had no choice. I had to follow.

I made it to the washroom and picked a stall two down from the other patron. Zipper down, purse to the floor, relief forthcoming. My bowels released and everything I had eaten in the last 5 years evacuated my body with a speed and force I have never experienced. I thought I would die from the relief and the embarrassment. I could just picture the look on the young woman's face as she sat two down from me and wondered what disease I was surely dying from. Finally, the beast was satiated. I waited (like we all do) for the other woman to clean up and leave the room. As soon as the door closed behind her, I crept from my stall looking around for other witnesses. I washed my hands and braced myself for my entrance.

Then calmly and with determination, I left the safety of the washroom and made a bee line for the door.

20 comments:

  1. Might I suggest that next time you just ask someone at the grocery store if they have a bathroom you can use?

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  2. hahaha! That was a colorful picture you painted!! You need to hear some stories from my mom and auntie marj...THEY are hilarious too!!

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  3. Your grocery stores don't have public restrooms?? I know for a fact that all the ones I've been to have them. Hmmm...

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  4. You could always ask the cashier for an extra plastic bag...

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  5. this happened to me at a department store at a mall in calgary once upon a time ... you are not alone. :)

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  6. Jason: I couldn't have done that. It would have been embarrassing.

    Krissie: I KNEW you would appreciate this story! I totally was thinking of you when I wrote it.

    Dawn: no, I've never seen a public restroom in a grocery store. No idea why.

    Wendy: Ha! Although, lately I've been trying to shop with those reusable bags...

    Michelle: Thank goodness. I hate to think I'm the only one.

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  7. Crapping your pants in public would be less embarrassing than asking to use a washroom?

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  8. Usable bags would be even better. You can toss them in the wash when you're done scraping it out! ;)

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  9. Superstore is open until 11pm and they have public washrooms. Just FYI. ;)

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  10. Ok Bron, two comments.

    1. There are always bathrooms in grocery stores. They're usually at the back between the eggs and milk. You get to see what kind of stock they have including all the cherry pickers and power jacks. Fun.

    2. I resent the fact that you didn't give me props for being a part of the family who can really let them rip. I have the absolute best farts ever. I have written symphonies with my ass. You KNOW this.

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  11. Found you through Five Star Friday, and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for making me laugh, and definitely, you are not alone.

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  12. 1. So I guess you know by now that grocery stores do, indeed, have public bathrooms. I know this for a fact because I have a bladder the size of a chickpea.

    2. Also. You are not alone. I was in Penney's the other day trying on clothes and had to go really bad - I was sweating just like you say. But I was DETERMINED to finish trying on those clothes. Finally gave up and found a bathroom. Then just went home. Too much trouble to gather up those clothes again!

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  13. OMG! I linked from five start friday b/c I just had to with a title like that, but I didn't really think it was literal. The LOL moment came at the 'everything in the last five years' part. Great post.

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  14. Too funny! I just found you and will have to read more!

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  15. Sarah said this was hillarious and my gosh she is so right! The grocery store I go to does NOT have one for the record...Oh hon, I felt for you! When you said you unloaded 5 years worth I just hooted and hollered!! ROFL Pooping IMP!!!

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  16. gaining some lb's02/07/2008, 21:33

    OMG thank goodness you didnt fart while all of this was going on. you surely would have shat your pants.
    LOL love the story!

    peace
    #2

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  17. OMG thank goodness you didnt fart while all of this was going on. you surely would have shat your pants.
    LOL love the story!

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  18. been there, but worse...ulcerative colitis is a bitch. maybe if i blogged about it, it would be funnier. always ask for a washroom. even if there is no "public" restroom, the desperate expression one has on their face, once the have reached the "sweating" stage, usually gains access to whatever facilities are on the premises. take it from a pro.

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  19. Just so you know, the East Sobeys has a public washroom, it's by the shampoo and vitamins and such. It saved me from pooping my pants about a year ago, and I will always be grateful. :)

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  20. Every Sobey's I've been had a washroom---with three kids, I don't dare go to a grocery store without one, but even the smaller stores usually have one hidden.
    I can totally related, as I had a nasty bout of giardia while on a cruise....I barely made it off the flight and through customs on the way back and gassed out the entire washroom at Lester B. Pearson. Once I could move again, I sat in a chair across from the entrance and watched the ladies entering...some just turned right around, LOL.

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Crap monkies say "what?"