Tuesday, May 19, 2009

"Wonderfully Made" or "How I learned about sex"

In my house, we had a book. In this book was the secret to life. It was written in 1967. I am not sure why it was in my house because none of us kids needed it until 1982 or so. This means, of course, my mother learned about sex in her late teens. From this book. It is a wonder we were ever born.

Here it is. The inside page of our book. Look at how happy they are! All dressed in their finest casual clothes to learn about life and growing up. Look at how progressive they are! She is carrying her own books. And she's showing ankle!

The first chapter of the book describes the life of the average boy and girl. See the illustration below. Boys play with cars. Girls learn to sew. See how happy they are?

"Growing as boys and girls".

Next we learn where babies come from. Did you know? Babies grow in little orbs that float. And they smile. The whole time!!

Mom and Dad with floating space baby.

But how does the baby get into the floating orb? A baby is created when a loving husband and wife decide to forgo the twin beds for a night of snuggling and other things you do not need to know anything about.

Men = snakes. Women = sunspots.

Now we will learn about the productive system.

Women make babies. This is because they have ovaries. There is nothing else about the woman's reproductive system that will be of any interest for you. Cli- what?

Don't worry about it. It's supposed to be a mystery.

The man's reproductive system is very complex and important. Notice how many things we have names for! Do not take notice of the size. Size is NOT important.

Very, very important thing to understand.

This is how babies grow.

Babies grow in toilet seats. They always look like babies. ALWAYS.

Don't worry, ladies. It doesn't hurt a bit.
Men, go grab a cigar and pace. You don't need to be here for this!

As soon as the baby is born, the mother should be fully and neatly groomed. She can ask for assistance from other females, but this is strictly her responsibility. The husband might assist in putting the dishes on the table, but this is only in times of desperation.

Nipple. Nipple!!! LOOK AWAY!!!!!!!

Children grow up so quickly. Women will grow up wearing dresses and having cute hair. They will eventually wear high heels - but only when they are adults. Breasts will also grow, but not so much as you will notice them. A woman's waist should always remain the same size. So should her feet.

Boys will grow into Star Trek captains who play football.

And finally, "Preparing for the Future". Men, put on your suits and get out into the world to earn some money!! Women, get those aprons pressed! You have some work to do!!

I can't wait until my children ask where babies come from.


  1. Man, I loved this book when I was a kid. I think it wasn't until I was a teenager that I noticed what it was even about. I just liked the old-timey drawings. And, let's face it, I thought the star trek captain/football player was dreamy.

  2. Oh. My. Gosh.

    That's terrible. I'm so glad we live in a more informative era. I can't even imagine what it must have been like back then. Surprise!

  3. There was another one your Aunt Norma Dawn sent your mother after Ky was born. She figured with three kids we obviously didn't know what was causing it.

  4. I'm crying... cuz my tummy hurts from laughing so hard. May-B, I have another, a good book I can recommend. Much more is left to the imagination as there are no old timey drawings. Though I'm pretty sure that babies growing in toilet seats is way worse than what my imagination conjured.

  5. Was the book written by Steve Harvey?

  6. I didn't have this book, but I DID have a copy of a book called "From Little Acorns", that was a delightful story about a Mr. Roger-esque garndfather who takes his two young grandchildren on a pleasant walk through an Autumn forest trail while talking to them the entire time about penises and vaginas!

    I tear up just thinking about it.

    I'm giving you award for your awesome blog, and because I like garfield- it's on my blog page at the bottom, so you'll have to cut and paste it if you want it.

  7. NotBenny!I got an award? Rocking.

    Everyone else: I'm really funny. It's about time you all recognized it.

  8. I went to a Catholic high school in the 60s. Our biology book looked like the baby came out of the belly button. HONEST! I was SIXTEEN and didn't have a clue.

    Only after going to the hospital while in labor, did I think to ask the doctor: "What are you doing down THERE!!?"

  9. In my schoolhood, the girls had a movie about "becoming a woman", the boys had a movie about "becoming a man" and...the girls ONLY had a movie about how those two get together and make a baby. I guess Quebec figured there was no need for boys to worry about pesky things like pregnancies and stds.

  10. Awesome!

    (We both got Five Starred! Congratulations to us!)

  11. Found you via FSF... I'll be back! (Said in an Arnold Shwratsllkfjls;kfdj sort of way)

  12. You've just reminded me of a similar book we had when I was small, called "Where Babies Come from." They started with how plants reproduced (sexy plants!), moved on to chickens and dogs, and then described the husband and wife vague in love penis-thrust action. Smiling baby - ta-da!

    Hilarious post.

  13. Very pristine.

    If you scratched & sniffed this book, it would smell of snickerdoodles and dilaudid.

  14. I realize this post is a year old, but I stumbled onto it and nearly peed myself laughing. Space babies! Star Trek officers!